


I Thought You Were Dead

by reellifejaneway



Series: Dragon Age: One-Shots [10]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Nightmares, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 18:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3539393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reellifejaneway/pseuds/reellifejaneway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was his worst nightmare. Cullen had to be strong - for her, for their child. She needed him now more than ever. But watching her fade away in his arms was a torture he would never be prepared to endure.</p><p>An angsty one-shot based on a Tumblr ask-box prompt. Cullen Rutherford and the world of Thedas belong to Bioware. Arida Lavellan belongs to me. I'm just a fangirl who can't let go...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Thought You Were Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the tumblr ask-box challenge "send me a prompt and I'll write you a drabble".  
> Prompted by anonymous: #29 "I thought you were dead."
> 
> Additional warnings: if you are triggered by childbirth/complications, then you may want to turn back now. Otherwise, read on for angst!

Flames licked at the kindling, the crackle of wood splintering ringing in his ears. The fingers that clung to his, squeezing tightly with each racking tremor, had him grinding his teeth in terror.

Strong – he had to be strong. For her.

Another wave of pain seized her and a scream tore from her throat. “Cullen!” She gasped, clinging to his hand in desperation.

“I’m here,” he reminded her softly, pressing a kiss to her clammy forehead. “I’m right here, Arida.”

She must have called his name more than a hundred times through the night. He had lost track long after the first set of candles had burnt down to their tapers. His heart was utterly caught up in trying to keep her calm, helping her to focus on something other than the pain that was consuming her.

It was taking too long. It was their first child, but even Cullen knew that labour was not meant to last for so long – and certainly not for two full days.

“So... tired...” Arida gasped, her pale skin waning a sickly shade of grey in the candlelight.

Cullen shifted on the bed beside her, cradling her in his arms as best he could in view of her condition. “Hold on, my love. You can do this.”

The Inquisitor let her head fall back against his shoulder, glassy blue eyes searching his out through a haze of pain. Her breathing was weak – too weak. Her hand shook as she struggled to nod, to focus on the sound of his voice...

She convulsed again, a feeble wail cutting through the air. Cullen’s palm stung where her fingernails pricked his calloused skin.

“I need you to focus, my lady,” the midwife instructed.

_Push – and keep on pushing._

Arida groaned and nodded in acknowledgement. She would try.

Cullen stroked his wife’s damp auburn hair away from her eyes, struggling against the tears that stung at his own. “You can do it!” He urged her softly, bracing his arm beneath the elf’s shoulders and adding his strength to her own. “You’re almost there, love. Almost there.”

“Can’t... Can’t do... it... _Ma ghalina!_ ”

“One more push,” the midwife coaxed.

The Commander squeezed Arida’s shaking hand, “Please, love. Please. You can do this!”

“Cullen... Cullen... _Halani_  ...” Her words degenerated into a tortured howl, her delicate features dissolving beneath the onslaught of pain.

“There – it’s over,” the midwife announced. Moments later a shrill cry pierced the air, and Cullen felt his wife slump in his arms when it was confirmed, “It’s a girl.”

Arida was spent. Her chest rose and fell so imperceptibly that Cullen felt his heart lurch. His hand instantly went to her forehead, terror overwhelming him when he realised that her skin was turning eerily cold.

“Arida, can you hear me?” He whispered, bending down to gaze into her eyes.

She blinked vacantly, her bright kingfisher eyes dangerously cloudy. “Ir abelas, ma’vhenan,” she whispered, her voice so weak that he could barely hear the words.

“No. _No,_ ” Cullen stroked her cheek, struggling to hold himself together at what he was witnessing. “You can’t,” he insisted, cupping her chin. “Please Arida! You can’t just let go now!”

“ _Bel banal’ras_...”

 “Look at me,” Cullen begged, ignoring the hurried steps of the healers and midwives around him. The rest of the world faded out until it was only him and the woman in his arms. “Arida! Please, please don’t let go. Please.”

She blinked again, struggling to keep her eyes on his. One trembling, cold hand brushed his cheek tenderly. “ _Ma emma lath_... Cullen.”

Tears broke through then, a cry of anguish escaping before he could stop it. “No – Arida, no. I can’t do this alone.”

“You... You can.” The light in her gaze, the colour in her lips, was fading before his eyes. “My... My love...” Then, with a gentle rush of breath, like the caress of a warm summer breeze, she let go. The hand that had been holding his released its hold. The fingers that had been wound in his hair, one last caress, slipped limply against his shoulder and fell away silently.

Time froze. He could not look away, he could not breathe. Cullen wanted to scream but no sound emerged. The urge to throw himself into the fade, to follow her, was overpowering. And yet his body was paralysed. His limbs felt so cold, his lungs choking on the air as though it was his own last painful breath.

_NO!_

Blind terror overwhelmed him. Hands lashing out, fingers clawing at the air as ghostly arms tried to restrain him, tried to pull him away from his love.

Voices swirled around him, words of tenderness, urging him to calm down. Cullen sank to his knees, agony overwhelming him, numbing him...

“NO! _Arida, no_!”

Choking... Can’t breathe...

  

* * *

 

 

“Cullen!”

He jolted when he felt the hands grasping his arms, shaking him gently.

“Don’t touch me!” He screamed, hot tears chilling to ice against his clammy skin. Pushing the offender away, he struggled. Why was he pinned down? Why couldn’t he move? “No... No Arida...”

“Cullen – it’s alright! Please. Please Cullen, _wake up_.”

Blinking, Cullen looked up – and realised that it was no longer night. The pink rays of sunrise were filtering in through the stained glass windows of the Inquisitor’s room. He shuddered, his lungs heaving against the constricting pain that still tried to suffocate him. He stared at the empty pillow beside him...

“Cullen?”

He started, his body jolting upright – bringing him eye to eye with a terror-stricken Arida.

“You... You are here...” He gasped, his arms shaking violently as he reached out to her, his strength wavering. He half expected her to vanish when he touched her, to fade away into nothing. One last, beautiful gift stolen from him as so many other blessings in his life had been stolen.

Arida’s heart broke when she stared into those haunted gold eyes. Her slender hand brushed against his sweat-slicked forehead, allowing him to feel her warmth – her life. She didn’t quite understand what he had dreamt of, but from her husband’s murmuring and the grieved cries that had eventually awoken her, she knew that it must have been terrifying. Only once before could Arida remember Cullen crying and that had been the evening in the chapel before she had marched out to face Coryphaeus. She adored this man. To see him fall apart like this, his tears glistening against the face she loved so dearly, was soul-destroying.

“I never left, _ma’vhenan_ ,” she told him softly, leaning in to press a kiss against his messed hair.

Cullen let out a shattered moan, nuzzling into her hand and clasping it to his lips like it was the only anchor to his existence. He breathed in her scent, relished her warmth, kissed the tip of each delicate finger with such reverence that it brought Arida to tears.  Finally, he relinquished her hand, reaching out to clasp her waist. “I... I thought you were dead,” Cullen whispered, his chest still racking with the aftershocks of his terror. “I thought I lost you.”

She wound her hand through his hair, trailing her fingers down his neck and across those broad shoulders reassuringly. “Oh Cullen.” Arida kissed the top of his head, cradling him against her chest. “Oh _ma’vhenan_.”

He pulled away after a moment, his eyes pleading silently with hers. “To come this far – if I were to lose you now...” his shaking hand trailed down her chest to rest on her swollen belly.

Arida shook her head insistently. “You won’t lose me Cullen. You won’t lose either of us.”

Her words sated him for the moment and he stilled, content to simply hold onto her and feel her heart drumming against his cheek. “Did I hurt you...?”

“No.” She stroked his hair again, coaxing him to relax back into reality. “You have never hurt me.”

Awe shone in his eyes at that, and he pressed a kiss to her collarbone. “In you, Arida Lavellan, I am truly blessed beyond measure. What good could I have done in the Maker’s eyes to deserve you?”

The elf above him let her eyes drift shut, her slender hands dragging up his back slowly. “You believe that, don’t you?” She murmured, inhaling his scent and shivering at his touch. “You truly believe that you aren’t worthy of love?”

The Commander cupped her chin in his hand. “I have done many things that I regret, Arida. I let one man’s actions cloud my judgement for years, and I will carry that burden for the rest of my days. But this... You...” Cullen’s brows knit together as he leaned his forehead against hers, sharing each wavering breath as it passed her lips. “Y _ou_ have changed me, Arida. Instead of dwelling on my mistakes, my failings, I find myself thinking of you constantly. Mornings become blessings instead of curses, for I awaken with your name on my lips even after the darkest nights. I _know_ I don’t deserve this second chance. I must have done something right to deserve this gift, to have you... You are so much more beautiful, more forgiving, more thrilling to me than anyone I ever dreamed of finding in my wretched life.” Cullen pressed a soft kiss against her brow. “And now I don’t _ever_ want to know what life feels like without you.”

Arida’s mouth hung open slightly at that, tears spilling over her lashes. “But I can’t promise you that, Cullen. Creators, if only I could. I couldn’t bear to be apart from you.”

A finger pressed against her lips then, silencing her. “I know,” Cullen replied gently, caressing her cheek. “If there is one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that you can’t take love for granted. If I wait to claim you, hold back or even push you away for the sake of duty, you might not...” His breath hitched at the thought of her absence. “I have lost too many people to hesitate, Arida Lavellan. Not with you. Not ever. No, I want you to know _exactly_ how I feel. Every morning, every night, every moment that we have.” Cullen’s fingers shook, calloused fingertips stroking the sensitive curve of her lip. “I want you to know that something in this world is certain, even if everything else fails.”

The Inquisitor’s eyes melted, her lip quivering with pent-up emotion. “Cullen...” Her voice failed her then, breaking beneath the pressure. “Thank you,” was all she managed, instead grasping his shoulders and pulling him down into a deep, consuming kiss.

For the moment, at least, Cullen allowed himself to forget the agony of his nightmare. She was real. She was alive. And so was he.


End file.
